I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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