I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
