she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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