She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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