her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
