Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.