I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.