she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
