I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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