You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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