Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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