On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
