If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
