whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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