Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
