Don't make out with my wife yet
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
