i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
