Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I need to calm my uterus...
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
