I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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