I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
