alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
