Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
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you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
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when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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