i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
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