One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
