If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
