you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
