I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
this just has baby written all over it
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.