Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
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It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
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Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."