seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
