Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
So. Much. Porn.
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