so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
