Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
