i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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