the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
