I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
