I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
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