Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
