The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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