I feel great
I just peed on a car
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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