i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
