You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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