All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
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After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
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Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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