No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
