The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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