"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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