Only a mothe r could love this liver
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
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