i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
