# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
