the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
