uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
