Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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