Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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