Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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