dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
