in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
