He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
