I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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