We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
