I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
