Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
