nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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