wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
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We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
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We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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