turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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